Post by Druce on Mar 5, 2021 16:06:49 GMT -5
Delap, JHB, JZ, and myself bring you our best efforts at draft profiles for the GMs of TMBSL, ordered by division: Atlantic, Central, Midwest, Pacific.
Affectionately known as “jibbers”, JHB is a stud SG out of South Carolina. The years removed from school have only increased his skill after leaving due to a medical condition caused by a discus “accident”. Possibly in contention for the number one overall pick due to the overall lackluster quality of this aged class, JHB has been keeping himself in shape with softball. Additionally, he brings a championship pedigree with him, being in the finals for TMBSLs biggest loser content. The sky is the limit for JHB, can this Biggest Loser learn how to win? Kareem Abdul Jabbar thinks he can.
A star player coming fresh off the couch is 20s. He used to light it up back in his heyday in Nebraska. However, TMBSL is running out of talent and 20s has decided to lace things back up. Dubbed a player “likely to move for less than Pace Mannion”, scouts aren’t high on 20s bringing anything to the table other than zingers in shout. Shooting? Nope. Rebounding? Nada. Defense? Only on Sundays. People question why he even came back to the league due to his obvious lack of ability to help a team generate any type of success.
Built a lot like 5.0 Jalen Brunson, this Fecta is a prospect that many consider the “quickest player in the league”. Whether that is true or not remains to be seen. A past beloved icon of many championship teams in earlier iterations of TMBSL, Fecta returns after having left mysteriously for an extended trip to Africa. Unlike when Dave Chappelle did the same thing, people didn’t really want him to come back, but here he is. Dubbed “we’d rather have mj or goboys1417”, Fecta brings an energy to the league that is unmatched. People wonder how he has maintained such energy for so long. It's simple I say: he has no soul.
Yawn
Pitt
6’5
200
SF
35
A notorious shit-eater, Yawn has been off “finding himself” in DC for the past 11 years. Luckily that was enough time to unlearn the bad habits they tried to pass off as basketball at Pitt. With his newfound ability, paired with (probably) league average athleticism, Yawn seems he could be a good player for the TMBSL franchise that drafts him. However, some scouts have pointed to questionable defensive abilities during private workouts due to severely struggling in man-to-man coverage, bolstered by his insistence that his “yawn-zone” defensive scheme is elite.
Odin
BAMA
6’10
250
29
C
Odin’s big so I made him a big. Get it? Hah. The only GM in this class (other than 20s) with measurables actually close to what they will play like in the league, Odin has had many years to perfect his movement and dexterity to also be a highly skilled player in the league. Where he lacks, however, is in the athletic department. Odins quickness is minimal and his jumping rating is “No”, and his strength is surprisingly low given his size.
Expect a low volume, high efficiency paint scorer. You’d think Odin would be all about rebounds, but unfortunately his standards are incredibly high so he won’t touch most with a 10 foot pole. Does that sound weird? That’s because this paragraph was actually about his love life.
Skrouse
6’2
210
UCF
34
Skrouse is an interesting TMBSL prospect that scouts are highly split on. Are you getting the big spending free-wheeling skrouse of 2.0, who was ready to go toe-to-toe with any player in the league even if it meant compromises on efficiency? Or are you getting the highly efficient but low volume player we have seen since 5.0, where you can barely get 2 cents out of him? The sky is the limit for Skrouse, but will the only points he score in 6.0 be brownie points from eric? We will see.
Billy King
SF
6’6”
205
30
Duke/WVU/UNCC/UNCW
Billy King comes to TMBSL after a very odd career path where he finished his collegiate career at Duke before getting a second bachelor’s degree at WVU and completing post-graduate work at UNC-Charlotte and UNC-Wilmington.
King is an enigma on the court. Like literally no one has any idea what the fuck this guy is doing. He talks a ton of shit and picks up a bunch of fouls constantly jabbing and needling his opponents. Interestingly enough, when he does calm down for a minute, he’s actually quite a proficient defender and does poke a bunch of steals loose. It’s frustrating that he doesn’t just do that all the time. When he gets on offense, he’s totally disengaged from the flow of the offense because he is standing by the bench yelling at the coach for calling plays that “cabbage-toe” (who knows what the fuck that means) his scoring opportunities.
Scouts all agree that his biggest strength is jumping (to conclusions) and always shooting his shot no matter if it’s a good one or not. Even if it’s a fullcourt shot that’s covered, the man’s trigger finger never gets tired.
Mike (Last Name Unavailable)
PF
6’9”
220
40
Argentina
The big man from Argentina comes to TMBSL with a lot of tread on the tires but a lot of basketball left in him. He is a terrific post scorer and solid rebounder who has continued to light up European basketball even in his late 30s. He is a tremendous presence in the locker room and a leader on the court who will be an asset to any team. He is also a tremendously talented photoshop user.
Some executives have speculated that this is actually former NBA star Luis Scola with a beard but no one is totally sure about that.
Sap U. Lar
C
6’6”
260
44
Purdue
Sap is a grinder. He doesn’t have much height but he’s going to push you around and let you know he’s there. He is a hard screener and grinds for rebounds. He does the little things on defense and keeps his man from scoring even though he isn’t much of a rim protector.
He has some crafty post moves and he’s a decent enough shooter that he can help on offense. He’s an older player but he still has some basketball left in him as a rookie in this league.
Delap Throws
SG
5’11”
193
37
Florida State
A coach on the floor, bring your lunchpail to the gym, good guy good GM/player.
He can shoot the J, he can shoot the 3, he can shoot the damn ball. Get my man the rock so he can shoot it. With his size he should be a point guard, but my man is a shooter.
While you’d expect him to struggle defensively, don’t be shocked when he outperforms your expectations there. He’s scrappy and he loves telling people about his box score stats, so don’t be surprised if you see him hunting for steals or rebounds.
B. A.
SF
6’8”
230
20
Florida State
We don’t know much about this new prospect out of Florida State, other than that he’s here and he’s going to be part of TMBSL. He’s actually attended some showcases and camps now after being MIA for a portion of the scouting process. His skills are green but one scout, “Skateboarding” Fred Rouse tells us that he has a ton of upside.
We’ll see about that.
Ankyl O. Saurus
PG
5’6”
130
30
Kansas/Notre Dame
This little runt of a point guard is scrappy and obnoxious and annoying. He never lets you forget he’s on the court, especially when defending his position. Despite the fact you should be able to blow him away with strength, he never gives an inch and will not stop defending. He just does not go away and you can’t get rid of him. He’s incredibly defensive. Some might even say his defending is obnoxious.
Offensively, don’t expect him to share the love. The man is on the court to shoot his shot, teammates be damned. Scouts have compared him to TMBSL Legend JeSuis Herb.
All in all, he’s going to be a good player. You might just not enjoy having him on your team. He also likes to cosplay as a dinosaur, which is like weird dude.
Herb Simon
SG
6’1”
200
39
Indiana
While he looks much older than 39, he’s not and he’s actually in tremendous shape. An avid rock climber, the dexterity and strength carries over onto the defensive end where opponents have said he sticks to them like a spider monkey. Try as you might to shake him once he has his hands on you, he’s locked in to that hold.
On offense, despite his small stature for a combo guard type player, he finds his way into the crevasses of defenses and finishes well inside.
Bankz Mazzola
PG
6’4”
220
35
Penn State
If this prospect slings assists on the court like he slings pizza and accusations off of it, he may go down as a Hall of Fame PG for the franchise that selects him. He loves to share the ball (among other things if accusations that a league executive in Dallas sporadically posts in shout are true).
He possesses tremendous strength from spending hours upon hours, day after day, loading pizzas into a brick oven. This attribute will set him apart from others at his position who he will physically dominate.
His ball-handling ability is legendary, as he frequently mesmerizes defenders with jab steps sprinkled like parmesan, causing them to get lost in the (marinara) sauce, before he blows by them and finishes strong at the crust. He has a major “pep” in his first step to help blow by guys.
Troy Barnes
SG
6’4
175
23
Greendale Community College
On a cold day in April, 20+ scouts found themselves asking…what in the fuck am I doing in a rinky dink gym at Greendale Community College. Barnes did little to dispel those doubts when he entered the gym. 175 soaking wet Barnes will need to make his presence felt at team facilities if he ever wants to compete for a spot in a coaches rotation. Barnes made quite an impression at Greendale, albeit among weakened competition, and with friends on other teams helping him along the way. What scouts witnessed on that April day is a prospect with potential who lacks focus. On the defensive end Barnes has shown a history of ignoring or forgetting his assignment leading to defensive mistakes. Teammates have clamored “how is this my fault, Barnes didn’t do his job!!” If Barnes can regain focus he can be a stellar member of any team and could have a bright future.
Soup Alvarado
C
6’7”
300
21
Texas Christian University
Alvarado is about as polished a player as you will find in this class. Very very strong on the block, Soup will be difficult for even the most seasoned vets to post up. Depending on his mood Soup can get ultra defensive at the drop of a hat, and also occupies space at several local bankz rent free. Offensively it’s unknown how much Soup actually has the ability to score both on and off the court. Soup is relatively easy to get along with as a teammate but also won’t hesitate to mix it up verbally. He shoots his shot frequently and hits at a desirable rate. As a prospect Soup is what he is at this point, and many scouts don’t see him changing much in the future.
Adam Trofie
PF
6’6”
285
22
Nebrasketball
At first glance you see he’s from Nebraska and move along, like most women would, and that’s a natural response. What comes with the territory in the Midwest however is a diligent work ethic and a corn fed hog molly, which Trofie is. Whether he’s throwing down beers or dunks he finishes strong. Maybe not the quickest guy or the best jumper, his wing span will help him corral some steals and blocks. No contraceptive can contain this guy, as he can break down any defense with superb handling and passing.
Ian Boyd
PG
5’4”
145
21
Texas
Basketball IQ is the name of the game for this book nerd. Boyd has a memory similar to Sean McVay in that he can remember any play he’s ever run on the court. He remembers every opponents plays as well so he’s stellar on the defensive end. Some say he’s psychic because of the number of times he’s directly in the passing lane of the opponent. Yes he’s a small man, but he’ll lock down anyone on the perimeter. Scoring won’t be his forte, especially getting to the basket, but he should distribute as long as his teammates are exactly where they’re supposed to be as the play was drawn.
Andrew Luck
SG
6’4”
240
29
Stanford
What can be said about Andrew Luck that hasn’t already been said about the unexplored parts of the ocean? They both exist, but no one really knows a whole hell of a lot about either, and that doesn’t appear likely to change any time soon.
Poin T. Egg
SF
6’7”
225
24
Tulane
Athleticism runs in Egg’s family, his 3rd cousin Marshawn Lynch can attest to that, however Poin differs from Lynch in a significant way: his ability to get fined. In college he was fined for not wearing the correct brand of shoes, in high school he was fined for a curfew violation on Bourbon St. Egg now has a live in girlfriend who seemingly runs his life so scouts wonder if he’s got the focus needed for the pros. A good friend of Egg’s, Jeezy a.k.a. newguy was given multiple shots in the league where he fell on his face both times.
Bobby “Assless” Chaps
SG
6’3”
200
25
West Virginia
If there’s one thing we know this guy can do it’s shoot free throws. No scout or coach has ever seen him miss from the charity stripe, which is astonishing given he’s played basketball since middle school. Stationary shooting Chaps is a machine, while on the move he’s not much different. Off the court Chaps also doesn’t miss his target very often, it’s no secret he was raised by the streets. He was admitted to West Virginia only after his mother took the rap for an attempted murder charge stemming from a gang shootout Chaps was involved in. This will likely cause his draft stock to fall some, but the tantalizing shooting ability will be too much for some teams to pass on.
6’2
190
33
Florida State
A two-sport star leaving college, Dunn is highly decorated and should be considered a top prospect in the coming draft. A quiet, but methodical leader, he led the ACC in assists and A:TO this past season, while also finding the time to score consistently in the mid teens.
His physical skills lie mostly in his wiggle, where he is incredibly shifty and can slice into the paint with relative ease. Not overly strong, not a giant leaper, but otherwise a good athlete, Dunn is an engine for your offense that is capable of playing 38+ mpg without tiring or slowing a step.
His offensive game is complementary, so he likely can’t shine as the lead gunner… but he can make any team better and raises your floor considerably. He has some range, but his jumper really shines from 14’-18’ where he is silky smooth and ripples the net regularly. He is a flashy passer out of the PnR, often hitting the skip pass to the weakside corner for open 3s.
Timothy Pigothy
PF
6’5
212
29
A converted hockey goon, Pigothy is an undersized big who excels through sheer force of will and relentless work. He is forced to play on the inside due to a decided lack of basketball “skills” that stems from a lifetime of hockey camp and not dribbling in the bitter winters of the Tri-Cities.
Physically he is incredibly strong. He has spent a lot of time in the gym and it shows (he is not a husky Husky). His straight-line speed is even elite, but his lateral speed (again, different muscles from hockey) is found wanting… hence his relegation to big-man life. His jumping is average, but he’s more of a one foot jumper than two… so it matters more in transition and on offense.
That lack of two-foot jumping, along with height, means that he won’t block a ton of shots. However, he’s a tenacious defender and can hold position against players 40-50 pounds heavier with ease. He creates more than 3 steals a game currently, along with at least a half-dozen additional deflections each contest as well.
Rebounding the ball is where he shines. Years of following hockey caroms has trained his eye to know exactly where the ball is going on a miss. His speed and size allow him to beat most other bigs there and establish position for a secure board. It would not be a surprise to see him lead the league in rebounding early in his career (before his speed wanes).
On offense… well, he tries. He won’t turn it over, but that’s because his usage will basically be zero. However, he will score on putbacks and draw fouls as he crashes the offensive glass with reckless abandon. Going to the free throw line is an adventure, but he is constantly tinkering with his shot… so maybe a new shooting coach could find the magic formula to settle him down.
6’4
201
30
Bevill State Community College
A virtual unknown by most scouts, coming out of Alabamian obscurity. Mr. Wind is your prototypical 3 and D wing. He is in need of some major coaching, polishing, and consistent habits, but the talent is there under the surface.
An under-sized wing, but with fantastic body type and athletic testing stats, “T-Wind” (as he’s known on the Birmingham blacktops) never hit a major D-1 program because he went pro in life. Now, though, he’s ready to show his stuff at the professional level.
Defensively he can guard 1-3 with ease. He can even guard up on your stretch 4s as well, thanks to above-average strength and absolutely insane hops. He isn’t one to create a ton of TOs, but he is a lockdown defender that excels at the press and trap game and doesn’t allow any easy drives.
On offense, he has two skills: 3pt shooting from the corners (hits at a pretty consistent 40% clip) and show-stopping dunks on breakaways and PnRs. He could seriously be a slam-dunk champion in year one.
Dirt McGirt
5’7
169
PG
28
The pride of east-central Texas, Dirty Dirt is a scrappy jitterbug guard who gambles constantly on both ends of the court… for better or for worse.
His body is slight, but wiry. He comes equipped with longer arms and bigger hands than you would expect… a mini-Rondo type. He makes strong use of incredibly quick feet and often sees passes 1 or 2 steps ahead, allowing him to jump passing lanes and create 1-on-none breaks for easy lay-ins (No Dunks ®) for 2. If he gets taken into the post he has elbows for days to fight and nudge against larger players.
Defensively, as described, he is a risk-taker. He will lead the league in steals… there is no doubt… because he overplays on every scenario. However, he will also allow a huge number of backcuts and open 3s, as he often leaves his assignment on the weakside to attempt to create a turnover.
Offensively he is a high-volume shooter and passer… often going for the flashiest pass or deepest shot possible. His drives often end in circus ducks and loops and hooks, as his height and leaping preclude him from challenging bigs in a traditional way. This can lead to unreal highlight videos on YouTube… and compilations of hilarious fails where his passes sail into the 17th row or his drives end with the ball clanking off the shot clock.
Irush Shinra
6’3
177
SG
26
A gym-rat who cares more about his physique than the game, Irush could be a real Cloud if he put in the effort, but instead many scouts fear he’s just a boring, dark-haired Zack.
However, because of his physical makeup, he is still brimming with potential. He’s strong, fast, and has above-average leaping. He isn’t quite as tall as you would like, but he still competes hard against other guards.
Defensively he needs to learn the ropes, where he simply doesn’t make proper rotations or use proper technique. He’s foul-prone and doesn’t create many TOs. But! If he showed up to practice a little more instead of arm day he could be entirely competent there.
On offense he has incredibly deep range and lets it fly in VOLUME. He wants to shoot 3s and nothing else. He averages more than 10 3p attempts each game… but shoots a paltry 31%. His form is solid though, so he there could be upside there. He refuses to drive and much-it-up though, so his best case scenario is as a specialist/complementary player.
6’8
260
32
The BMOC, Druce is a bruising center built like a Spartan who demands double-teams and can overpower single-coverage from almost anyone in the league.
He’s a big boy in the post, a legit two-stepper, that serves as an anchor on both ends of the court. He’ll work best in a defensive match-up where he doesn’t have to switch and can only play drop coverage in the PnR. Could be one of the stronger players in the league after a year or two of professional nutrition “supplements.”
Defensively he is an immovable object down low, but he’s very ground-bound and doesn’t have the quickness to block or deflect a ton of shots. He makes his bones by holding position and forcing opposing bigs to move to short jumpers or hook shots instead of attacking the rim. He’s a strong rebounder when he has position, but quicker bigs can occasionally outmaneuver him for odd caroms.
On offense he’s a ball-stopper, but that’s because he’s attacking anytime he gets a post touch. He doesn’t mess around with much finesse or “moves”. He either immediately goes over his shoulder for a mini-hook or turns to face and takes a single power-dribble (left or right) to go up and through his defender for a lay-in (or the occasional dunk).
Majic Mann
PF
6’9
255
28
Another converted hockey player, Majic “the Magic” Mann is a mercurial player with some very intense strengths, but also a few habits that leave coaches and scouts befuddled alike. He switched to basketball late in life because he simply got too tall for the frozen pond… because of that, some skills (dribbling) don’t come naturally.
He’s big, which is an asset. He can jump off of either, or both feet. He’s not slow for a big, but isn’t super speedy either. His strength in his legs is amazing, but strangely he seemingly ONLY skips arms days.** (see last paragraph)
Offensively, his nimble feet (thanks skating!) give him an array of post moves that are impressive and leave other bigs flailing at pump fakes or swiping at air as his shots use the glass in nifty ways to drop for 2. His free throw stroke is unconventional, but consistent in the mid 70s. He passes well** (see last paragraph), but his dribbling and creation skills leave so much to be desired.
He gets incredibly defensive, which is a good skill on defense. He goes for it all, so he will rack up a ton of blocks and a ton of fouls. He falls victim to the same fakes that he hands out in boatloads on offense, indicating a bizarre lack of awareness of how things work that he’s been doing for a quite some time now.
There is a growing concern among scouts among one particular trait. He has little girly arms. He’s a 6’9” 255, tree-trunk-legged power forward… but the arms are so frail. He took 25 3s at a recent workout and shorted them all by about 20% of the goal. He has attempted outlet passes off of rebounds to streaking teammates downcourt, only to see them fall flaccidly shy of the center circle. Because of this strange deficiency, teams are looking at experimental procedures to improve his upper arms/shoulders… which sounds risky.
JHB
South Carolina
6’4
220
SG
29
Affectionately known as “jibbers”, JHB is a stud SG out of South Carolina. The years removed from school have only increased his skill after leaving due to a medical condition caused by a discus “accident”. Possibly in contention for the number one overall pick due to the overall lackluster quality of this aged class, JHB has been keeping himself in shape with softball. Additionally, he brings a championship pedigree with him, being in the finals for TMBSLs biggest loser content. The sky is the limit for JHB, can this Biggest Loser learn how to win? Kareem Abdul Jabbar thinks he can.
20s
Nebraska
6’9
420s
42
PF
A star player coming fresh off the couch is 20s. He used to light it up back in his heyday in Nebraska. However, TMBSL is running out of talent and 20s has decided to lace things back up. Dubbed a player “likely to move for less than Pace Mannion”, scouts aren’t high on 20s bringing anything to the table other than zingers in shout. Shooting? Nope. Rebounding? Nada. Defense? Only on Sundays. People question why he even came back to the league due to his obvious lack of ability to help a team generate any type of success.
Fecta
Oregon
5’9
170
32
PG
Built a lot like 5.0 Jalen Brunson, this Fecta is a prospect that many consider the “quickest player in the league”. Whether that is true or not remains to be seen. A past beloved icon of many championship teams in earlier iterations of TMBSL, Fecta returns after having left mysteriously for an extended trip to Africa. Unlike when Dave Chappelle did the same thing, people didn’t really want him to come back, but here he is. Dubbed “we’d rather have mj or goboys1417”, Fecta brings an energy to the league that is unmatched. People wonder how he has maintained such energy for so long. It's simple I say: he has no soul.
Duc
6’5
200
Oregon State
SG
35
A wily veteran out of Corvallis, Duc has declared for his 15th draft in as many seasons. In his first draft he was taken #1 overall, and was considered a great prospect. He played well, but then sometime around August he stopped showing up to games, practices, anything. No one heard from him or knew where he was, and he was declared retired. Mysteriously, on the second Sunday of January he appeared and declared that he wants to re-enter the league. Because eric only allows prospects to enter the league through the archaic system known as “the draft”, Duc declares for the draft a 2nd time. This happens again year after year, like groundhog day but in January, with Ducs draft rankings among his peers falling a little bit each time.
Yawn
Pitt
6’5
200
SF
35
A notorious shit-eater, Yawn has been off “finding himself” in DC for the past 11 years. Luckily that was enough time to unlearn the bad habits they tried to pass off as basketball at Pitt. With his newfound ability, paired with (probably) league average athleticism, Yawn seems he could be a good player for the TMBSL franchise that drafts him. However, some scouts have pointed to questionable defensive abilities during private workouts due to severely struggling in man-to-man coverage, bolstered by his insistence that his “yawn-zone” defensive scheme is elite.
Odin
BAMA
6’10
250
29
C
Odin’s big so I made him a big. Get it? Hah. The only GM in this class (other than 20s) with measurables actually close to what they will play like in the league, Odin has had many years to perfect his movement and dexterity to also be a highly skilled player in the league. Where he lacks, however, is in the athletic department. Odins quickness is minimal and his jumping rating is “No”, and his strength is surprisingly low given his size.
Expect a low volume, high efficiency paint scorer. You’d think Odin would be all about rebounds, but unfortunately his standards are incredibly high so he won’t touch most with a 10 foot pole. Does that sound weird? That’s because this paragraph was actually about his love life.
Skrouse
6’2
210
UCF
34
Skrouse is an interesting TMBSL prospect that scouts are highly split on. Are you getting the big spending free-wheeling skrouse of 2.0, who was ready to go toe-to-toe with any player in the league even if it meant compromises on efficiency? Or are you getting the highly efficient but low volume player we have seen since 5.0, where you can barely get 2 cents out of him? The sky is the limit for Skrouse, but will the only points he score in 6.0 be brownie points from eric? We will see.
Billy King
SF
6’6”
205
30
Duke/WVU/UNCC/UNCW
Billy King comes to TMBSL after a very odd career path where he finished his collegiate career at Duke before getting a second bachelor’s degree at WVU and completing post-graduate work at UNC-Charlotte and UNC-Wilmington.
King is an enigma on the court. Like literally no one has any idea what the fuck this guy is doing. He talks a ton of shit and picks up a bunch of fouls constantly jabbing and needling his opponents. Interestingly enough, when he does calm down for a minute, he’s actually quite a proficient defender and does poke a bunch of steals loose. It’s frustrating that he doesn’t just do that all the time. When he gets on offense, he’s totally disengaged from the flow of the offense because he is standing by the bench yelling at the coach for calling plays that “cabbage-toe” (who knows what the fuck that means) his scoring opportunities.
Scouts all agree that his biggest strength is jumping (to conclusions) and always shooting his shot no matter if it’s a good one or not. Even if it’s a fullcourt shot that’s covered, the man’s trigger finger never gets tired.
Mike (Last Name Unavailable)
PF
6’9”
220
40
Argentina
The big man from Argentina comes to TMBSL with a lot of tread on the tires but a lot of basketball left in him. He is a terrific post scorer and solid rebounder who has continued to light up European basketball even in his late 30s. He is a tremendous presence in the locker room and a leader on the court who will be an asset to any team. He is also a tremendously talented photoshop user.
Some executives have speculated that this is actually former NBA star Luis Scola with a beard but no one is totally sure about that.
Sap U. Lar
C
6’6”
260
44
Purdue
Sap is a grinder. He doesn’t have much height but he’s going to push you around and let you know he’s there. He is a hard screener and grinds for rebounds. He does the little things on defense and keeps his man from scoring even though he isn’t much of a rim protector.
He has some crafty post moves and he’s a decent enough shooter that he can help on offense. He’s an older player but he still has some basketball left in him as a rookie in this league.
Delap Throws
SG
5’11”
193
37
Florida State
A coach on the floor, bring your lunchpail to the gym, good guy good GM/player.
He can shoot the J, he can shoot the 3, he can shoot the damn ball. Get my man the rock so he can shoot it. With his size he should be a point guard, but my man is a shooter.
While you’d expect him to struggle defensively, don’t be shocked when he outperforms your expectations there. He’s scrappy and he loves telling people about his box score stats, so don’t be surprised if you see him hunting for steals or rebounds.
B. A.
SF
6’8”
230
20
Florida State
We don’t know much about this new prospect out of Florida State, other than that he’s here and he’s going to be part of TMBSL. He’s actually attended some showcases and camps now after being MIA for a portion of the scouting process. His skills are green but one scout, “Skateboarding” Fred Rouse tells us that he has a ton of upside.
We’ll see about that.
Ankyl O. Saurus
PG
5’6”
130
30
Kansas/Notre Dame
This little runt of a point guard is scrappy and obnoxious and annoying. He never lets you forget he’s on the court, especially when defending his position. Despite the fact you should be able to blow him away with strength, he never gives an inch and will not stop defending. He just does not go away and you can’t get rid of him. He’s incredibly defensive. Some might even say his defending is obnoxious.
Offensively, don’t expect him to share the love. The man is on the court to shoot his shot, teammates be damned. Scouts have compared him to TMBSL Legend JeSuis Herb.
All in all, he’s going to be a good player. You might just not enjoy having him on your team. He also likes to cosplay as a dinosaur, which is like weird dude.
Herb Simon
SG
6’1”
200
39
Indiana
While he looks much older than 39, he’s not and he’s actually in tremendous shape. An avid rock climber, the dexterity and strength carries over onto the defensive end where opponents have said he sticks to them like a spider monkey. Try as you might to shake him once he has his hands on you, he’s locked in to that hold.
On offense, despite his small stature for a combo guard type player, he finds his way into the crevasses of defenses and finishes well inside.
Bankz Mazzola
PG
6’4”
220
35
Penn State
If this prospect slings assists on the court like he slings pizza and accusations off of it, he may go down as a Hall of Fame PG for the franchise that selects him. He loves to share the ball (among other things if accusations that a league executive in Dallas sporadically posts in shout are true).
He possesses tremendous strength from spending hours upon hours, day after day, loading pizzas into a brick oven. This attribute will set him apart from others at his position who he will physically dominate.
His ball-handling ability is legendary, as he frequently mesmerizes defenders with jab steps sprinkled like parmesan, causing them to get lost in the (marinara) sauce, before he blows by them and finishes strong at the crust. He has a major “pep” in his first step to help blow by guys.
Troy Barnes
SG
6’4
175
23
Greendale Community College
On a cold day in April, 20+ scouts found themselves asking…what in the fuck am I doing in a rinky dink gym at Greendale Community College. Barnes did little to dispel those doubts when he entered the gym. 175 soaking wet Barnes will need to make his presence felt at team facilities if he ever wants to compete for a spot in a coaches rotation. Barnes made quite an impression at Greendale, albeit among weakened competition, and with friends on other teams helping him along the way. What scouts witnessed on that April day is a prospect with potential who lacks focus. On the defensive end Barnes has shown a history of ignoring or forgetting his assignment leading to defensive mistakes. Teammates have clamored “how is this my fault, Barnes didn’t do his job!!” If Barnes can regain focus he can be a stellar member of any team and could have a bright future.
Soup Alvarado
C
6’7”
300
21
Texas Christian University
Alvarado is about as polished a player as you will find in this class. Very very strong on the block, Soup will be difficult for even the most seasoned vets to post up. Depending on his mood Soup can get ultra defensive at the drop of a hat, and also occupies space at several local bankz rent free. Offensively it’s unknown how much Soup actually has the ability to score both on and off the court. Soup is relatively easy to get along with as a teammate but also won’t hesitate to mix it up verbally. He shoots his shot frequently and hits at a desirable rate. As a prospect Soup is what he is at this point, and many scouts don’t see him changing much in the future.
Adam Trofie
PF
6’6”
285
22
Nebrasketball
At first glance you see he’s from Nebraska and move along, like most women would, and that’s a natural response. What comes with the territory in the Midwest however is a diligent work ethic and a corn fed hog molly, which Trofie is. Whether he’s throwing down beers or dunks he finishes strong. Maybe not the quickest guy or the best jumper, his wing span will help him corral some steals and blocks. No contraceptive can contain this guy, as he can break down any defense with superb handling and passing.
Ian Boyd
PG
5’4”
145
21
Texas
Basketball IQ is the name of the game for this book nerd. Boyd has a memory similar to Sean McVay in that he can remember any play he’s ever run on the court. He remembers every opponents plays as well so he’s stellar on the defensive end. Some say he’s psychic because of the number of times he’s directly in the passing lane of the opponent. Yes he’s a small man, but he’ll lock down anyone on the perimeter. Scoring won’t be his forte, especially getting to the basket, but he should distribute as long as his teammates are exactly where they’re supposed to be as the play was drawn.
Andrew Luck
SG
6’4”
240
29
Stanford
What can be said about Andrew Luck that hasn’t already been said about the unexplored parts of the ocean? They both exist, but no one really knows a whole hell of a lot about either, and that doesn’t appear likely to change any time soon.
Poin T. Egg
SF
6’7”
225
24
Tulane
Athleticism runs in Egg’s family, his 3rd cousin Marshawn Lynch can attest to that, however Poin differs from Lynch in a significant way: his ability to get fined. In college he was fined for not wearing the correct brand of shoes, in high school he was fined for a curfew violation on Bourbon St. Egg now has a live in girlfriend who seemingly runs his life so scouts wonder if he’s got the focus needed for the pros. A good friend of Egg’s, Jeezy a.k.a. newguy was given multiple shots in the league where he fell on his face both times.
Bobby “Assless” Chaps
SG
6’3”
200
25
West Virginia
If there’s one thing we know this guy can do it’s shoot free throws. No scout or coach has ever seen him miss from the charity stripe, which is astonishing given he’s played basketball since middle school. Stationary shooting Chaps is a machine, while on the move he’s not much different. Off the court Chaps also doesn’t miss his target very often, it’s no secret he was raised by the streets. He was admitted to West Virginia only after his mother took the rap for an attempted murder charge stemming from a gang shootout Chaps was involved in. This will likely cause his draft stock to fall some, but the tantalizing shooting ability will be too much for some teams to pass on.
Ward Dunn
PG6’2
190
33
Florida State
A two-sport star leaving college, Dunn is highly decorated and should be considered a top prospect in the coming draft. A quiet, but methodical leader, he led the ACC in assists and A:TO this past season, while also finding the time to score consistently in the mid teens.
His physical skills lie mostly in his wiggle, where he is incredibly shifty and can slice into the paint with relative ease. Not overly strong, not a giant leaper, but otherwise a good athlete, Dunn is an engine for your offense that is capable of playing 38+ mpg without tiring or slowing a step.
His offensive game is complementary, so he likely can’t shine as the lead gunner… but he can make any team better and raises your floor considerably. He has some range, but his jumper really shines from 14’-18’ where he is silky smooth and ripples the net regularly. He is a flashy passer out of the PnR, often hitting the skip pass to the weakside corner for open 3s.
Defensively he is a tactician who will get his hands on the ball a lot, often screaming “cookies” as he picks it clean to start a transition opportunity. However, his strength deficit is a bit of a problem against more physical guards and on switches, but he is heady enough to strip bigs before they establish position and get the ball out of his reach.
Timothy Pigothy
PF
6’5
212
29
Washington
A converted hockey goon, Pigothy is an undersized big who excels through sheer force of will and relentless work. He is forced to play on the inside due to a decided lack of basketball “skills” that stems from a lifetime of hockey camp and not dribbling in the bitter winters of the Tri-Cities.
Physically he is incredibly strong. He has spent a lot of time in the gym and it shows (he is not a husky Husky). His straight-line speed is even elite, but his lateral speed (again, different muscles from hockey) is found wanting… hence his relegation to big-man life. His jumping is average, but he’s more of a one foot jumper than two… so it matters more in transition and on offense.
That lack of two-foot jumping, along with height, means that he won’t block a ton of shots. However, he’s a tenacious defender and can hold position against players 40-50 pounds heavier with ease. He creates more than 3 steals a game currently, along with at least a half-dozen additional deflections each contest as well.
Rebounding the ball is where he shines. Years of following hockey caroms has trained his eye to know exactly where the ball is going on a miss. His speed and size allow him to beat most other bigs there and establish position for a secure board. It would not be a surprise to see him lead the league in rebounding early in his career (before his speed wanes).
On offense… well, he tries. He won’t turn it over, but that’s because his usage will basically be zero. However, he will score on putbacks and draw fouls as he crashes the offensive glass with reckless abandon. Going to the free throw line is an adventure, but he is constantly tinkering with his shot… so maybe a new shooting coach could find the magic formula to settle him down.
Tyler Wind
SF6’4
201
30
Bevill State Community College
A virtual unknown by most scouts, coming out of Alabamian obscurity. Mr. Wind is your prototypical 3 and D wing. He is in need of some major coaching, polishing, and consistent habits, but the talent is there under the surface.
An under-sized wing, but with fantastic body type and athletic testing stats, “T-Wind” (as he’s known on the Birmingham blacktops) never hit a major D-1 program because he went pro in life. Now, though, he’s ready to show his stuff at the professional level.
Defensively he can guard 1-3 with ease. He can even guard up on your stretch 4s as well, thanks to above-average strength and absolutely insane hops. He isn’t one to create a ton of TOs, but he is a lockdown defender that excels at the press and trap game and doesn’t allow any easy drives.
On offense, he has two skills: 3pt shooting from the corners (hits at a pretty consistent 40% clip) and show-stopping dunks on breakaways and PnRs. He could seriously be a slam-dunk champion in year one.
Dirt McGirt
5’7
169
PG
28
Tarrant County College
The pride of east-central Texas, Dirty Dirt is a scrappy jitterbug guard who gambles constantly on both ends of the court… for better or for worse.
His body is slight, but wiry. He comes equipped with longer arms and bigger hands than you would expect… a mini-Rondo type. He makes strong use of incredibly quick feet and often sees passes 1 or 2 steps ahead, allowing him to jump passing lanes and create 1-on-none breaks for easy lay-ins (No Dunks ®) for 2. If he gets taken into the post he has elbows for days to fight and nudge against larger players.
Defensively, as described, he is a risk-taker. He will lead the league in steals… there is no doubt… because he overplays on every scenario. However, he will also allow a huge number of backcuts and open 3s, as he often leaves his assignment on the weakside to attempt to create a turnover.
Offensively he is a high-volume shooter and passer… often going for the flashiest pass or deepest shot possible. His drives often end in circus ducks and loops and hooks, as his height and leaping preclude him from challenging bigs in a traditional way. This can lead to unreal highlight videos on YouTube… and compilations of hilarious fails where his passes sail into the 17th row or his drives end with the ball clanking off the shot clock.
Irush Shinra
6’3
177
SG
26
Notre Dame
A gym-rat who cares more about his physique than the game, Irush could be a real Cloud if he put in the effort, but instead many scouts fear he’s just a boring, dark-haired Zack.
However, because of his physical makeup, he is still brimming with potential. He’s strong, fast, and has above-average leaping. He isn’t quite as tall as you would like, but he still competes hard against other guards.
Defensively he needs to learn the ropes, where he simply doesn’t make proper rotations or use proper technique. He’s foul-prone and doesn’t create many TOs. But! If he showed up to practice a little more instead of arm day he could be entirely competent there.
On offense he has incredibly deep range and lets it fly in VOLUME. He wants to shoot 3s and nothing else. He averages more than 10 3p attempts each game… but shoots a paltry 31%. His form is solid though, so he there could be upside there. He refuses to drive and much-it-up though, so his best case scenario is as a specialist/complementary player.
Drucey Druce
C6’8
260
32
Michigan State
The BMOC, Druce is a bruising center built like a Spartan who demands double-teams and can overpower single-coverage from almost anyone in the league.
He’s a big boy in the post, a legit two-stepper, that serves as an anchor on both ends of the court. He’ll work best in a defensive match-up where he doesn’t have to switch and can only play drop coverage in the PnR. Could be one of the stronger players in the league after a year or two of professional nutrition “supplements.”
Defensively he is an immovable object down low, but he’s very ground-bound and doesn’t have the quickness to block or deflect a ton of shots. He makes his bones by holding position and forcing opposing bigs to move to short jumpers or hook shots instead of attacking the rim. He’s a strong rebounder when he has position, but quicker bigs can occasionally outmaneuver him for odd caroms.
On offense he’s a ball-stopper, but that’s because he’s attacking anytime he gets a post touch. He doesn’t mess around with much finesse or “moves”. He either immediately goes over his shoulder for a mini-hook or turns to face and takes a single power-dribble (left or right) to go up and through his defender for a lay-in (or the occasional dunk).
Majic Mann
PF
6’9
255
28
Ohio State
Another converted hockey player, Majic “the Magic” Mann is a mercurial player with some very intense strengths, but also a few habits that leave coaches and scouts befuddled alike. He switched to basketball late in life because he simply got too tall for the frozen pond… because of that, some skills (dribbling) don’t come naturally.
He’s big, which is an asset. He can jump off of either, or both feet. He’s not slow for a big, but isn’t super speedy either. His strength in his legs is amazing, but strangely he seemingly ONLY skips arms days.** (see last paragraph)
Offensively, his nimble feet (thanks skating!) give him an array of post moves that are impressive and leave other bigs flailing at pump fakes or swiping at air as his shots use the glass in nifty ways to drop for 2. His free throw stroke is unconventional, but consistent in the mid 70s. He passes well** (see last paragraph), but his dribbling and creation skills leave so much to be desired.
He gets incredibly defensive, which is a good skill on defense. He goes for it all, so he will rack up a ton of blocks and a ton of fouls. He falls victim to the same fakes that he hands out in boatloads on offense, indicating a bizarre lack of awareness of how things work that he’s been doing for a quite some time now.
There is a growing concern among scouts among one particular trait. He has little girly arms. He’s a 6’9” 255, tree-trunk-legged power forward… but the arms are so frail. He took 25 3s at a recent workout and shorted them all by about 20% of the goal. He has attempted outlet passes off of rebounds to streaking teammates downcourt, only to see them fall flaccidly shy of the center circle. Because of this strange deficiency, teams are looking at experimental procedures to improve his upper arms/shoulders… which sounds risky.
