TMBSL's Scalp Record to Date
Sept 14, 2022 23:13:10 GMT -5
Herby New Year!, Fason, and 1 more like this
Post by TinyTimPig on Sept 14, 2022 23:13:10 GMT -5
It is known that TMBSL is not for the faint of heart, and that by joining, you open yourself up to the very real possibility of a gruesome death. The official method for dispatching of another GM is via scalping, but some choose to engage in a more brutal and torturous version of the act then others.
In alphabetical order, we review some of TMBSL’s more prominent scalpings. Listed are the departing general manager, who claimed his or her scalp, and a brief synopsis of the scalped GM’s final moments. In some cases, the GM, despite missing a significant piece of themselves, has yet to bleed out and is (barely) still alive.
Ankly: TimPig. This is one of those few cases where the GM is still grasping for some piece of life, barely clutching a once healthy pulse as he waits and hopes for something to give him a reason to live. Everyone except Ankly knows the inevitable, however. His scalp currently features prominently on TimPig’s wall after losing Devin Vassell to his arch nemesis. It’s one thing to lose an essential piece of your franchise to someone you had just called an F-tier GM. It’s another to realize that you basically handed that GM your scalp by doing the dumbest thing possible and not accepting his re-sign as everyone else would have. This one was (and continues to be) a particularly gruesome scalping.
Bankz: Bankz. It’s a violent and unpleasant image to witness someone removing their own scalp, but that’s exactly what happened in the case of TMBSL’s resident pizza connoisseur. Fresh off of announcing an impending 10-year reign, Bankz began the slow and gruesome process of bringing the machete to the crown of his head when he traded the 1.1 that would become Dominique Wilkins for known bust Marc Gasol. Then it was some string of trades that saw him obtain a single valuable asset - a future 1.1 - for Antoine Carr, Martell Webster, and Dale Ellis. One has to wonder if Bankz made it back to his own trophy case to place his scalp next to the two titles he won in an incredibly unbalanced league.
DaChaparral: Eric. A medium may need to be consulted here as the scalped Chap continues to discuss what led to his scalping from beyond the grave. The ghost of Chap continues to refuse to honor the man who conquered him, spending his time in the afterlife reaching for his own scalp on Eric’s mantle and trying to transfer it instead to LaMelo Ball’s. He continues to fail, but one must admire his undead effort as it’s likely he tries to place his scalp in a number of different places (with the help of known medium Billyking) that don’t belong to eric. Fellow GMs continue to pray for his peaceful rest.
Duc15: Fason. Duc supposedly departed TMBSL to make space for “someone more attentive”, an extremely kind gesture to all of those on the waiting list. This one was a bit of an indirect scalping, but it can’t be a coincidence that his departure so closely coincided with Fason’s arrival. Fason’s always lurked in the shadows (no one even knows this guy’s real name or the company he works for or his Instagram handle), so we have to assume Duc’s scalp (and perhaps a number of others) are hidden somewhere in his crawl space, though we may never know all of the details.
Dump: Eric. This one required a bit longer of a play by Eric. Kudos to him for continuing to chase the prize, and kudos to Dump for resisting. Dump, with the second pick in the 3009 draft, made a head-scratching pick when he selected Dennis Scott over Cedric Ceballos. With how hard other GMs were scratching their heads, it’s hard to believe that no other scalps were removed during this deadly encounter. As Dump complained about how poorly prospects developed after being drafted, others continued to wonder why he passed on the A potential Ceballos in favor of the C potential Scott. In a move no one could have foreseen, Ceballos also sucked, meaning Dump was doomed no matter which direction he went. Impressive work, Eric.
Ianboyd: TimPig. A GM whose attention whoring is matched only by one other GM who has ever GM’d (BK), IanBoyd found himself in the unique situation where he was offering his scalp to anyone who might accept it. For seasons, the Shouts were nothing but “When _____ occurs, I’ll probably hand my scalp over” (or something like that). But no one was willing to deliver the killing blow. Instead, it was finally TimPig who drew his machete and claimed Ian’s scalp when he told him to shut the hell up and just leave already.
JHB: Majic. While he returned briefly with half of his scalp still intact, it ultimately was a merciless scalping by Majic. It currently stands as the slowest, most torturous scalping in TMBSL to date as it lasted not just across multiple seasons, but multiple iterations of TMBSL. Majic’s incessant complaints about the wheel acted as a single needle poke each time, ultimately circling the entirety of the crown of JHB’s head and leaving him in a helpless heap on the ground. Or maybe he was just finishing a CrossFit workout. IDK.
Odin: TimPig. In a rare display of battlefield honor, TimPig removed Odin’s scalp only to return it and allow him to sew himself back together. The scalp proved easy to obtain as a minor delayed bank transaction was enough to remove the Norse god’s crown. While TimPig delivered the killing blow, it wasn’t without an assist from Eric, who levied the fine. Back and better than ever, one has to wonder how tightly stitched Odin’s scalp is today.
Troybarnes: Eric. TroyBarnes’ rotting, scalpless corpse remained on the battlefield for seasons, which some might consider admirable, but was mostly just kind of pathetic. To lose your scalp is one thing - to fight for your life only to have your mangled body stabbed repeatedly in the form of being a salary cap dumping ground is something else. To determine who owns this scalp, one most go back to the blow that initially left Troy incapacitated, which was a semantic argument over what counts as “quitting,” and we all know that’s not a battle that eric loses.
Current Count
Eric: 3
TimPig: 3
Majic: 1
Bankz: 1
20s: 1
Fason: 1
Eric: 3
TimPig: 3
Majic: 1
Bankz: 1
20s: 1
Fason: 1
