GMs as Thanksgiving Dinner
Nov 25, 2021 3:40:54 GMT -5
eric, b. A. (good 2023), and 2 more like this
Post by TinyTimPig on Nov 25, 2021 3:40:54 GMT -5
Dark Meat Turkey: Fason - Everyone knows the dark meat on the turkey - the legs, specifically - is the only part really worth eating. There’s a reason that they sell thousands of turkey legs per day at The Happiest Place on Earth™ and not a single turkey breast. Unfortunately, only about 20% of the entire bird is dark meat - not nearly enough. We all enjoy the dark meat and want more, but sadly, have to wait a whole year (or until our next Disneyland trip) to see it again. Much like the dark meat, Fason is a great guy and a great GM that we all would like just a little bit more of.
White Meat Turkey: BK - On the other end of the spectrum is the white meat from the turkey. It’s dry, tastes either like ass (or nothing at all), and there’s entirely too much of it. I bet if white turkey meat could talk, it’d tell you how great it is and that everyone else has terrible taste. Does all of this sound like anyone familiar? Of course it does. Despite tasting terrible, the white meat just keeps on coming. Think you’re done talking about Mike O’Koren? HA! There’s still 14 pounds to go. To white meat’s credit, there is the rare occasion where it’s covered in gravy and becomes tolerable or even enjoyable.
Ham: KingB4Ya - Ham is a dish that’s new to the party and most aren’t quite sure what to think of it yet. Most aren’t quite ready to accept ham as a new addition to the menu, but as the (sim) years pass, it may even take the place of turkey as the “king” of Thanksgiving dinner. For now, it’s divisive and still needs to prove that it belongs.
Gravy: Heebs - For some, gravy serves as the savior of Thanksgiving dinner. It’s truly delectable and enjoyed by nearly everyone, but its primary flaw rests in the fact that it’s only enjoyed when paired with something else, whether that’s overcoming the transgressions of the white meat, or flooding the rest of the plate/league whether it’s desired or not. No one is bothered when a bit of gravy gets on their stuffing, but occasionally it hits the cranberry sauce and that’s not a combination anyone wants to see.
Mashed Potatoes: Pete - Like gravy, mashed potatoes are loved by all. They’re enjoyed in copious quantities and if you can’t choke down your fill in white meat, mashed potatoes are there to satisfy your appetite. They’re almost the yin to white meat turkey’s yang. Just when you’re ready to stand up and leave the table, you catch sight of that beautiful bowl of white, creamy goodness and come back for just a bit more. Truly the champion of the Thanksgiving meal and best when accompanied by gravy, though in this instance Fason would probably act as the appropriate partner to Pete’s mashed taters.
Stuffing: 20s - Stuffing shares many of the same qualities as mashed potatoes - delicious, universally liked, and there’s usually enough for everyone. Where stuffing differs is that its flavor is just a bit more intense and more willing to challenge turkey as the central focus of the meal. Unfortunately for stuffing, it’ll never quite make it past second place on the menu, no matter who is in first.
Cranberry Sauce: Ankly - Yuck. I guess someone somewhere along the way decided this was a good idea to include on the menu. It’s sour and no one is quite sure why it’s still here. Even when you do your best to keep the cranberry sauce in its own corner of your plate, you know damn well that you’re not going to eat it quickly and its going to dissolve and get on everything else. Whether you like it or not, it’s here to stay and it’s going to have an effect on everything else you eat.
Green Bean Casserole: Chap - Green bean casserole is a weird dish. It’s well liked, but as you eat it you can’t help but feel like you’re doing a disservice to the Thanksgiving meal by eating green vegetables. That is, it’s always going to be tainted by its association with its component ingredients. Just like you can’t have green bean casserole without vegetables, you can’t have Chap without...well, you know.
Rolls: Delap - In a battle for the whitest thing on the menu with mashed potatoes, rolls are another beloved dish, whether they’re homemade or store bought King’s Hawaiian. They go with everything else and, at times, can even make the worst parts of Thanksgiving dinner tolerable (turkey sandwiches, anyone?). Even when the Thanksgiving meal is on its last legs days after the holiday itself, you can always find more rolls (or some variation of them) nearby.
Sweet Potato Casserole: Troybarnes - Another dish that is appreciated by most as its sweetness provides a change of pace from most savory items on the menu, sweet potato casserole is finding its place on fewer and fewer tables each year. Many would like to see it make a return to its former glory, but their hopes are just hanging on by a thread at this point. Come back, sweet potato casserole.
Macaroni and Cheese: Trofie - It’s usually damn good, but sometimes the cook tries to do too much and turn the mac and cheese into the star of the show. Like mashed potatoes, despite its frequent efforts and inching ever so close, macaroni and cheese just hasn’t quite been able to cross the threshold and become one of those upper-tier dishes that one must have on their table. Still, it’s good and everyone wants it to stick around.
Roasted Delicata Squash: Fecta - Don’t have this on your menu? Of course you don’t. No one does. But I found it on some bullshit Pinterest page for Thanksgiving recipes. Apparently it exists, but you’ll never find it. On top of that, you’ll still have to wait hours for it to make it to the table despite no one wanting it.
Corn: Odin - Corn is excellent in the right forms - on the cob, smothered in butter - but it can also be off putting when served incorrectly. It’ll make its way on to every menu in some form or another, but what you get from home to home could be excellent or it could be awful. You just never know.
Mushroom Lasagna: Dirt - I’ve never had this for Thanksgiving, but it’s on the menu this year. Mushrooms are great. Lasagna is a great. How do they work in tandem? That remains to be seen, though it’s probably awesome if the chef puts some effort in. No matter how good it is, it probably won’t show up next year or the year after, but don’t count out the year after that. Just when you think you’ve put together the perfect feast and cooked everything to perfection, someone will show up with mushroom lasagna to throw a wrench in your perfectly laid plans. It’ll hurt even worse when you find out that what was one person’s experiment was enough to ruin everything you had been working towards.
Glazed Carrots: KC - A generally non-threatening dish, unlike mushroom lasagna, glazed carrots aren’t hearty enough to make you sweat. As you eat them, you’ll commend yourself for eating vegetables and being healthy before being reminded that all of the nutrients have been cooked out of the vegetable and replaced with sugar and fat.
Salad: TimPig - Some love it, more hate it, most are indifferent. But you can’t get rid of salad. And despite its flaws in the form of taste and texture, it provides a level of nutrition at the Thanksgiving table that nothing else does. Unfortunately, salad stands in the way of the good things you actually want to get to and I’ll be damned if your mother actually lets you skip it before you get to the good stuff.
Pumpkin Pie: BA - Pumpkin pie is excellent (fight me) but sadly only comes out once per year (unless you’re Mel Kiper, Jr.). Somewhere along the line someone decided pumpkin pie could only be enjoyed on Thanksgiving when it should come around far more often than it does.
Apple Pie: Mike - The All-American dessert, many enjoy apple pie after Thanksgiving dinner, but it’s not something you typically list as a Thanksgiving staple in the same way you might think of stuffing or pumpkin pie. But when you get down to brass tacks, apple pie is as good as anything else on the menu tonight. I bet most “autopilot” the acquisition of their apple pie, buying something premade from the store rather than putting in the effort to make their own.
Pecan Pie: Druce - It’ll always be a player in the Thanksgiving equation, but lately pecan pie seems to have taken a back seat to the more traditional desserts and is giving way to some of today’s newer creations. For years, it performed admirably, but lately it just doesn’t seem to have the same appeal as it once did. If you scan 100 households’ Thanksgiving offerings, there’s a good chance many won’t even have pecan pie this year, but if you can find one of the few that do, you can be damn sure you’ll enjoy it.
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Milk: Pointyegg - Milk only shows up for about five minutes each year before disappearing. Usually it serves one purpose and that’s to provide relief to those who have overburdened themselves. Lately it’s been trying to make a comeback as an everyday beverage but it’s been tough to be thought of as anything more than a dessert accompaniment by most.
White Wine: Andrewluck - The appropriate type of alcohol to have with your dry, white meat, a chilled glass of white wine can really bring the whole menu together. Unfortunately, it’s almost expected to be the primary alcoholic beverage on the menu and therefore goes underappreciated. It still does everything that’s asked of it - tastes great, gets you drunk - but it just doesn’t get the credit that it deserves.
Red Wine: Majic - Unlike white wine, red wine is probably something you’re drinking before the meal or during if you’re someone who eats ham or prime rib as the main course. It’s pleasant and well-liked but it seems to disappear when you want it most. Apparently the host thought one bottle was going to be enough for eight people. The red wine will get talked about positively and do its job of wetting everyone’s whistle before fading into oblivion as everyone moves on to other beverages.
Champagne: Sapular - Like white wine, the champagne is best enjoyed shortly before the actual feast, perhaps while everyone is eating hors d'oeuvres and socializing. We all want more champagne, but it either runs out and stops providing what it had originally promised, or goes flat and becomes unenjoyable. However, when that cork is freshly popped, we can’t get enough.
Light Beer: Yawn - Many folks probably want to keep their Thanksgiving meal classy and therefore won’t bring shitty beer, but for those who do have it, god dammit are they ready to have a good time and fuck shit up as soon as their guests start walking through the door. No one will talk about how great the Bud Light was at the party, but every guest will appreciate that it was there.
Fork: Eric - Where is Thanksgiving dinner without a fork? The unsung hero of the meal, we’d be absolutely FRICKED without at least one fork to keep things moving. Forks are sharp and sometimes they’ll poke you, but generally you forgive the utensil because you recognize that none of this would be possible without them.
