3009 Preseason Power Rankings: Even More GIFs
Jul 7, 2021 22:51:22 GMT -5
delap, Herby New Year!, and 1 more like this
Post by Handsome Pete on Jul 7, 2021 22:51:22 GMT -5
29. Dallas Mavericks
Bleep Blorp ERROR ALERT SYSTEM MALFUNCTION
28. Chicago Bulls
Things have gotten awful dusty over the years in Chicago. What was once a potential championship core has since grown old and stale, and Bojan Dubljevic riding off on that ol' dusty trail leaves the rest of his Bulls brethren wishing they could shake loose as well.
27. San Antonio Spurs
The Spurs are committed to giving Javale McGee minutes, regardless of how bad he looks. And he looks capital B BAD. There are some other really good looking pieces here, not the least of which is the new addition-by-contraction from the Stags, Mr. Serge Ibaka. Hopefully Serge's arrival means JaVale will be relegated to the bench where he belongs.
26. Utah Jazz
As one former 4.0 GM returns, the other former 4.0 GM is old news. Welcome back Fason! The Jazz took the arduous journey towards sim glory by wiping the slate clean, and then cleaning up in FA with a load of long-term deals for mid-tier veterans. Fason already flipped Noah for a mid-round 1st. Nature is healing.
25. Charlotte Hornets
Derrick Rose had himself another big TC, and his numbers in preseason look like big-boy PG numbers. The Hornets had an offseason to forget, or at least one that their managements seems to have forgotten, so seeing some positive things from D-Rose is encouraging. Hopefully he can keep it up when the season starts, because otherwise this will be another year of poo-ooo-oo-oooh.
24. Pittsburgh Pipers
The Pipers struck oil in the trade market the past couple seasons, landing a 1.1 and 1.3 for Martell Webster and a 1.5, and now a 1.2 nee 1.3 for the free agent coup of Shawn Kemp Jr. But before they can cash in on their natural resources, they're going to be tied up for a few more years building the infrastructure.
23. Houston Rockets
The Rockets crashed the playoff party in the rough and tumble West last year, and added a contraction waiver claimant in Darrell Griffith. KC spent the offseason taking on some talented players in exchange for cap space and might've been tempted to make some major moves. However, he decided to hit the snooze alarm on the squad by swapping a 1.7 this year plus another one in the future for next year's 1.4 and a future 1.14. Will this be the right call? Or should the Rockets have gone for it Early (Cleanthony Early)? Time will tell.
22. Phoenix Suns
GM Andrewluck had a magical playoff run a couple seasons ago fueled by what many might call his Lucky Penny. Unfortunately, his luck ran out and so did his Penny, and now he's stuck picking up the pieces. Penny Hardaway's departure isn't the end for the Suns, who still have a boatload of frontcourt talent, but it does leave them with a huge hole at point guard. Huge hole? Point Guard? OH MY GAWD THAT'S RUSSELL WESTBROOK'S MUSIC.
21. Charlotte Bobcats
Odin declared early in 6.0 that he's team #NeverDraft, but the past couple offseasons have seen the Bobcats take some sips off the draft brews. As a longtime Chicagoite, he's definitely drinking an Old Style. Early returns look pretty good on the guys he's picked up so far, so the Bobcats may be back off the wagon sooner than we'd think.
20. Los Angeles Lakers
What to do when you've got one high-quality point guard under contract and land another in free agency? Break out the 6'7" super-sub and get this party started! Like a few teams in the bottom half of the standings, the Lakers are patiently awaiting their date with draft destiny, but there are enough quality parts here that you could squint and see a playoff team. If only Kevin Durant didn't super-suck.
19. Portland Trail Blazers
Speaking of teams biding their time, the Blazers are on their way out of hibernation, sporting three top-12 picks this season and another three top-13 selections next season. THey've splurged on some mid-level free agents as well, so depending on how the draft shakes out they could be looking at a nice mix of young upside and experienced depth. Hang in there baby!
18. Boston Celtics
Lots of teams feasted on the corpse of the Stags this season, whether through contraction waivers, expansion drafts, or shady back-office deals with the league office. However, no one feasted quite so heartily as the Boston Celtics, who snatched up Donatas Montiejunas and drove Troy Barnes out of the league like St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland, then took both Joe Barry Carroll and James Michael McAdoo in contraction waivers. The Stags players now find themselves trapped among the Celtic crosses with no hope of escaping. It's just like that scene from the Deer Hunter.
17. Miami Heat
The Heat have some shapes on this roster but man, it feels like they're a long ways away from fitting them into the right holes. Their key priority this offseason was accomplished, as they were able to lock up Chris Webber and Jamal Mashburn without either testing the free agent waters. Now, they need to figure out a way to make this roster work together because so far they haven't been enough to get the Heat into contention.
16. Seattle SuperSonics
The Sonics and Randall
looked like they would have the last laugh last year as the young big put up some big time numbers, and his preseason looked even better. But don't go thinking you're getting in that bounce-house quite yet, little fella. The Sonics still managed to finish outside of the playoff picture last year, and while many would chalk that up to the sheer strength and depth of the Western conference, the fans in Seattle are ready to see some results. Randall may just be the one to get them to that elusive playoff series win.
15. Los Angeles Clippers
The Clippers are loaded up with wings. So why do they feel so sad? In unsurprising news, the Clippers roster continues to be a turnstile, facilitating player movement throughout the league but never committing to a rebuild or giving a playoff team a chance to run it back. If he keeps turning over the roster, the Clippers will probably go from Wing Stop to Thigh Stop. Then again, that might be just what the owner wants anyway
(Bonus GIF:
)
14. Toronto Raptors
These Raptors are terrifying. They're fearsome. They're mesmerizing. Just don't look too closely at the seams, suspend your disbelief, and you too will soon be running in fear from this young squad.
13. Washington Bullets
There is a 7-10th dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between titles and sorrows, between contenders and pretenders, and it lies between the pit of the Eastern Conference standings and the summit of their playoff seeds. This is the dimension of the imagination. It is an area we call The Yawn Zone.
12. Texas Chaparrals
I have been expecting the Chaps to start their slow descent from the heights of the Western Conference for a few seasons now as Papaloukas and the rest of their core get older. But the Chaps proved last season that they've got the guy to see them through to life after Papalouk in the Joker, Nikola Jokic. He's got some cap troubles to work through at present but provided he doesn't have to cut loose anybody of significance, they may just keep the good times rolling for another season. What do you get when you cross a promising young player with an aging but still useful veteran core? I'll tell you what you get! You get what you fuckin' deserve!
11. Cleveland Cavaliers
I better be careful here, as I don't want to step on Ankly's toes with a Simpsons gif when part 3 of that article series is right around the corner. But it's clear Sap is embracing the good folks in Springfield every time he fires up the old Lawnmower simulator and takes her for a spin. The Sim Cavs have some Green that could be mowed as well. It's a good thing Sap brought in some Tools for the job in the draft this year. Hey, they can't all be winners.
10. Carolina Cougars
Everyone can relax, Cougartown hasn't been cancelled...yet. But we're right to be worried. Losing a guy like Luke Maye is always going to be tough, and the Cougs are going to ride their young studs hard this year. Ron Perry is a revelation as a primary scorer, and NVE will be a wonderful second banana. The Cougs are hoping some reshuffling will give them the ammo to finally get over the hump.
9. Indiana Pacers
The Pacers yet again look like a mid-tier playoff team, and it makes a person wonder how many times Heebs can bang his head against that ceiling before he opts to make a trade. The team is stout defensively as always, but outside of Clyde there isn't enough offense to get it done in the playoffs. Heebs may need to start considering a Clyde trade now while he's still able to fetch a good return.
8. Vancouver Grizzlies
The Grizzly cubs had a strong season last year and took the eventual champs to six games before finally succumbing. They've got youth and depth up and down the roster, and picking up Andray Blatche for a 1.7 in the midst of his rebuild now looks like a steal. The Grizz are one of the few ascendant young teams in the West right now and should be in the hunt for the Pacific division crown again.
7. Milwaukee Bucks
The Bucks management has put a lot of trust in big man Al Horford, shipping out most of the other household names over the past couple seasons and loading up with some draft assets for the next phase. Horford is good enough that he can carry them to success anyway, but the question remains as to who else is going to step up as the 2nd and 3rd options. Will Al Horford have enough to land this plane?
6. Orlando Magic
Things are a little awkward right now in Orlando, as they would probably want nothing more than to fast forward through this season and collect the 7'6" jewel who has been tantalizing them in the distance since this draft class was first revealed 5 sim seasons ago. Beas and company have been good enough to keep things interesting in Orlando, but the true potential of this Magic core won't be realized until Yao comes to our sim shores
5. Philadelphia 76ers
The Sixers are two full sim seasons away from their swing-for-the-fences deal-a-palooza, and while they continue to be one of the top teams in the league, the trophy case is disappointingly bare. That being said, Philadelphia remains one of the best rosters in the league top-to-bottom, and get another injection of talent in the form of defensive stalwart Kendall Gill, who might help cover some of fellow wing Martell Webster's deficiencies in that department.
4. Anaheim Amigos
The Amigos went west, and the result was a second title for the Netsmigos and fourth Chapnetsmigos win in five years. That feat deserves a hearty salute, and I know just the three amigos to do it.
3. Minnesota Timberwolves
The Minnesota Timberwolves pushed all their chips in to add another all-league caliber wing for Chris Paul. The result should be a high octane offense capable of pouring it in from 3. Ian can only hope that James Blackmon's level of play doesn't fall off soon, as he's starting to get on in years. Otherwise, there's a chance this season ends with a naked Asian man locked in a trunk.
2. New York Knicks
The death star that is the Kyrie-Embiid Knicks is nearly at full power now, as the Knicks have one more premier pick to add to the roster or use in a trade. Kyrie looks every bit as dominant as CP3 did coming into the league, and Ank has a good mix of role players surrounding those two stars who bring a diverse array of skill sets. Despite the disappointing first round flameout last season, the Knicks look very capable of going the distance this season.
1. Atlanta Hawks
The Hawks have completed their roster turnover from the Belov/Devin Williams/Kenny George days, emerging from the nest with lots of youth and potential realized in players like Anthony Randolph, Roy Hibbert and Derrick Coleman, as well as a few significant vets in Antonio Gates and Rodney McCray. This roster looks like a clear championship contender to me, and outside of maybe an upgrade at PG it's hard to find fault with any of the key contributors. The team was nearly good enough to win the finals last year, taking the Amigos to 7 games. They've only gone and added an elite big man prospect and one of the best wings in the league. This team is cleared for takeoff.
Bleep Blorp ERROR ALERT SYSTEM MALFUNCTION
28. Chicago Bulls
Things have gotten awful dusty over the years in Chicago. What was once a potential championship core has since grown old and stale, and Bojan Dubljevic riding off on that ol' dusty trail leaves the rest of his Bulls brethren wishing they could shake loose as well.
27. San Antonio Spurs
The Spurs are committed to giving Javale McGee minutes, regardless of how bad he looks. And he looks capital B BAD. There are some other really good looking pieces here, not the least of which is the new addition-by-contraction from the Stags, Mr. Serge Ibaka. Hopefully Serge's arrival means JaVale will be relegated to the bench where he belongs.
26. Utah Jazz
As one former 4.0 GM returns, the other former 4.0 GM is old news. Welcome back Fason! The Jazz took the arduous journey towards sim glory by wiping the slate clean, and then cleaning up in FA with a load of long-term deals for mid-tier veterans. Fason already flipped Noah for a mid-round 1st. Nature is healing.
25. Charlotte Hornets
Derrick Rose had himself another big TC, and his numbers in preseason look like big-boy PG numbers. The Hornets had an offseason to forget, or at least one that their managements seems to have forgotten, so seeing some positive things from D-Rose is encouraging. Hopefully he can keep it up when the season starts, because otherwise this will be another year of poo-ooo-oo-oooh.
24. Pittsburgh Pipers
The Pipers struck oil in the trade market the past couple seasons, landing a 1.1 and 1.3 for Martell Webster and a 1.5, and now a 1.2 nee 1.3 for the free agent coup of Shawn Kemp Jr. But before they can cash in on their natural resources, they're going to be tied up for a few more years building the infrastructure.
23. Houston Rockets
The Rockets crashed the playoff party in the rough and tumble West last year, and added a contraction waiver claimant in Darrell Griffith. KC spent the offseason taking on some talented players in exchange for cap space and might've been tempted to make some major moves. However, he decided to hit the snooze alarm on the squad by swapping a 1.7 this year plus another one in the future for next year's 1.4 and a future 1.14. Will this be the right call? Or should the Rockets have gone for it Early (Cleanthony Early)? Time will tell.
22. Phoenix Suns
GM Andrewluck had a magical playoff run a couple seasons ago fueled by what many might call his Lucky Penny. Unfortunately, his luck ran out and so did his Penny, and now he's stuck picking up the pieces. Penny Hardaway's departure isn't the end for the Suns, who still have a boatload of frontcourt talent, but it does leave them with a huge hole at point guard. Huge hole? Point Guard? OH MY GAWD THAT'S RUSSELL WESTBROOK'S MUSIC.
21. Charlotte Bobcats
Odin declared early in 6.0 that he's team #NeverDraft, but the past couple offseasons have seen the Bobcats take some sips off the draft brews. As a longtime Chicagoite, he's definitely drinking an Old Style. Early returns look pretty good on the guys he's picked up so far, so the Bobcats may be back off the wagon sooner than we'd think.
20. Los Angeles Lakers
What to do when you've got one high-quality point guard under contract and land another in free agency? Break out the 6'7" super-sub and get this party started! Like a few teams in the bottom half of the standings, the Lakers are patiently awaiting their date with draft destiny, but there are enough quality parts here that you could squint and see a playoff team. If only Kevin Durant didn't super-suck.
19. Portland Trail Blazers
Speaking of teams biding their time, the Blazers are on their way out of hibernation, sporting three top-12 picks this season and another three top-13 selections next season. THey've splurged on some mid-level free agents as well, so depending on how the draft shakes out they could be looking at a nice mix of young upside and experienced depth. Hang in there baby!
18. Boston Celtics
Lots of teams feasted on the corpse of the Stags this season, whether through contraction waivers, expansion drafts, or shady back-office deals with the league office. However, no one feasted quite so heartily as the Boston Celtics, who snatched up Donatas Montiejunas and drove Troy Barnes out of the league like St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland, then took both Joe Barry Carroll and James Michael McAdoo in contraction waivers. The Stags players now find themselves trapped among the Celtic crosses with no hope of escaping. It's just like that scene from the Deer Hunter.
17. Miami Heat
The Heat have some shapes on this roster but man, it feels like they're a long ways away from fitting them into the right holes. Their key priority this offseason was accomplished, as they were able to lock up Chris Webber and Jamal Mashburn without either testing the free agent waters. Now, they need to figure out a way to make this roster work together because so far they haven't been enough to get the Heat into contention.
16. Seattle SuperSonics
The Sonics and Randall
looked like they would have the last laugh last year as the young big put up some big time numbers, and his preseason looked even better. But don't go thinking you're getting in that bounce-house quite yet, little fella. The Sonics still managed to finish outside of the playoff picture last year, and while many would chalk that up to the sheer strength and depth of the Western conference, the fans in Seattle are ready to see some results. Randall may just be the one to get them to that elusive playoff series win.15. Los Angeles Clippers
The Clippers are loaded up with wings. So why do they feel so sad? In unsurprising news, the Clippers roster continues to be a turnstile, facilitating player movement throughout the league but never committing to a rebuild or giving a playoff team a chance to run it back. If he keeps turning over the roster, the Clippers will probably go from Wing Stop to Thigh Stop. Then again, that might be just what the owner wants anyway
(Bonus GIF:
)14. Toronto Raptors
These Raptors are terrifying. They're fearsome. They're mesmerizing. Just don't look too closely at the seams, suspend your disbelief, and you too will soon be running in fear from this young squad.
13. Washington Bullets
There is a 7-10th dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between titles and sorrows, between contenders and pretenders, and it lies between the pit of the Eastern Conference standings and the summit of their playoff seeds. This is the dimension of the imagination. It is an area we call The Yawn Zone.
12. Texas Chaparrals
I have been expecting the Chaps to start their slow descent from the heights of the Western Conference for a few seasons now as Papaloukas and the rest of their core get older. But the Chaps proved last season that they've got the guy to see them through to life after Papalouk in the Joker, Nikola Jokic. He's got some cap troubles to work through at present but provided he doesn't have to cut loose anybody of significance, they may just keep the good times rolling for another season. What do you get when you cross a promising young player with an aging but still useful veteran core? I'll tell you what you get! You get what you fuckin' deserve!
11. Cleveland Cavaliers
I better be careful here, as I don't want to step on Ankly's toes with a Simpsons gif when part 3 of that article series is right around the corner. But it's clear Sap is embracing the good folks in Springfield every time he fires up the old Lawnmower simulator and takes her for a spin. The Sim Cavs have some Green that could be mowed as well. It's a good thing Sap brought in some Tools for the job in the draft this year. Hey, they can't all be winners.
10. Carolina Cougars
Everyone can relax, Cougartown hasn't been cancelled...yet. But we're right to be worried. Losing a guy like Luke Maye is always going to be tough, and the Cougs are going to ride their young studs hard this year. Ron Perry is a revelation as a primary scorer, and NVE will be a wonderful second banana. The Cougs are hoping some reshuffling will give them the ammo to finally get over the hump.
9. Indiana Pacers
The Pacers yet again look like a mid-tier playoff team, and it makes a person wonder how many times Heebs can bang his head against that ceiling before he opts to make a trade. The team is stout defensively as always, but outside of Clyde there isn't enough offense to get it done in the playoffs. Heebs may need to start considering a Clyde trade now while he's still able to fetch a good return.
8. Vancouver Grizzlies
The Grizzly cubs had a strong season last year and took the eventual champs to six games before finally succumbing. They've got youth and depth up and down the roster, and picking up Andray Blatche for a 1.7 in the midst of his rebuild now looks like a steal. The Grizz are one of the few ascendant young teams in the West right now and should be in the hunt for the Pacific division crown again.
7. Milwaukee Bucks
The Bucks management has put a lot of trust in big man Al Horford, shipping out most of the other household names over the past couple seasons and loading up with some draft assets for the next phase. Horford is good enough that he can carry them to success anyway, but the question remains as to who else is going to step up as the 2nd and 3rd options. Will Al Horford have enough to land this plane?
6. Orlando Magic
Things are a little awkward right now in Orlando, as they would probably want nothing more than to fast forward through this season and collect the 7'6" jewel who has been tantalizing them in the distance since this draft class was first revealed 5 sim seasons ago. Beas and company have been good enough to keep things interesting in Orlando, but the true potential of this Magic core won't be realized until Yao comes to our sim shores
5. Philadelphia 76ers
The Sixers are two full sim seasons away from their swing-for-the-fences deal-a-palooza, and while they continue to be one of the top teams in the league, the trophy case is disappointingly bare. That being said, Philadelphia remains one of the best rosters in the league top-to-bottom, and get another injection of talent in the form of defensive stalwart Kendall Gill, who might help cover some of fellow wing Martell Webster's deficiencies in that department.
4. Anaheim Amigos
The Amigos went west, and the result was a second title for the Netsmigos and fourth Chapnetsmigos win in five years. That feat deserves a hearty salute, and I know just the three amigos to do it.
3. Minnesota Timberwolves
The Minnesota Timberwolves pushed all their chips in to add another all-league caliber wing for Chris Paul. The result should be a high octane offense capable of pouring it in from 3. Ian can only hope that James Blackmon's level of play doesn't fall off soon, as he's starting to get on in years. Otherwise, there's a chance this season ends with a naked Asian man locked in a trunk.
2. New York Knicks
The death star that is the Kyrie-Embiid Knicks is nearly at full power now, as the Knicks have one more premier pick to add to the roster or use in a trade. Kyrie looks every bit as dominant as CP3 did coming into the league, and Ank has a good mix of role players surrounding those two stars who bring a diverse array of skill sets. Despite the disappointing first round flameout last season, the Knicks look very capable of going the distance this season.
1. Atlanta Hawks
The Hawks have completed their roster turnover from the Belov/Devin Williams/Kenny George days, emerging from the nest with lots of youth and potential realized in players like Anthony Randolph, Roy Hibbert and Derrick Coleman, as well as a few significant vets in Antonio Gates and Rodney McCray. This roster looks like a clear championship contender to me, and outside of maybe an upgrade at PG it's hard to find fault with any of the key contributors. The team was nearly good enough to win the finals last year, taking the Amigos to 7 games. They've only gone and added an elite big man prospect and one of the best wings in the league. This team is cleared for takeoff.
