Post by Handsome Pete on Jun 3, 2021 0:37:20 GMT -5
Power rankings w/ GIFs
Go go power rankings!
Go go power rankings!
29. Rockets
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The Rockets are new to sim, having replaced the Kings. The launch of the new franchise has been a blowup of spectacular fashion. The good news is he's gotten a decent return on players like Andray Blatche and Sidney Green and should be set to pick the pieces up again in a couple years. Until then, Houston will have some problems.
28. Spurs
Many were scratching their heads at the Kawhi pick at 1.2, but early (WAYYYYYY EARLY) returns are looking pretty good. That's good, because I showed this roster to my dog and asked her to evaluate, and she agreed that things are looking RUFF. Ugly season incoming for the Spurs.
27. Mavericks
Much like Dutch Van Der Linde, Soup started off 6.0 seeming like he had all the answers. But as friends started leaving the gang (Papaloukas) or dying (Moala, Bob Kurland), his moves became more and more irrational. I'm beginning to worry that Micah may have gotten in his ear.
26. Hornets
Vin Baker spots another decent player in the locker room and gives a salute. Welcome to the Moet & Hennessy family, Derrick Williams! Meanwhile, poor Klay Thompson's gotta settle for St. Ides
25. Pipers
The Sixers paid the piper for Martell, and now he's stuck leading rats around for the rest of the season. The good news is in a couple years, the Pipers will be back to steal the kids with 1.1 in 3011 and 1.3 in 3012.
24. Lakers
The Lakers dealt everyone from their Gasol core this offseason, with one notable exception. Now that Luther "Chicken" Head is on his own, will he be alluring or will the people recoil in horror? Only time will tell.
23. Blazers
Easter came early (late?) for the Blazers, and Majic spent all his money on JELLYBELLY. Most would scoff at such a foolhardy investment. But who knows? Maybe Majic's beans will bear fruit.
22. Bobcats
The Bobcats are surprisingly well-invested in draft picks, but the best part of Odin's teardown is that he's now free to assume the mantle of roastmaster general. To hear him crush the hope of friends Andrewluck and Troybarnes time and time again on their most recent podcast, it's clear this is the role Odin was born to play.
21. Bullets
The Bullets are out here to make money moves, but so far they've come up empty. After several all-in attempts this offseason fell flat, the Bullets are eager to find another star and get back into the East playoff hunt. Yawn is ready to be hurt again.
20. Grizzlies
The Grizz are quietly picking up spare change all over the place. A busy offseason saw them pick up 3 rookies in the top 6 picks in the draft, a Mike Conley in free agency, and an Andray Blatche in a trade. We'll see if any of them pay off, or if Druce will be left tryin' to make a dollar out of 15 cents.
19. Hawks
The Hawks are hungry for a winner, but will have to settle for whatever JHB can hurk up. He's focused a lot on high-upside swings like Anthony Randolph, Hibbert and Bertans, so he's going to spend another couple years nurturing them as they grow big and strong. Behold the awesome beauty of nature!
18. Bulls
Like a couple of old gunslingers trying to hang on to a lifestyle that is passing them by, the Bojan and Gathers duo is sure to end in a hail of South American gunfire. Mike has made it known that his core is available, so we'll have to see what kind of return he can gin up for these two fading talents.
17. Warriors
After another offseason contemplating retirement, Ward made a hard 180, resigning Greg Oden and swinging a big deal to bring in Big Mouth Brandon Bass. To be determined whether the move will have Ward singing "Don't Worry, Be Happy", or if things will trend more towards "Take Me to the River, Drop Me in the Water".
16. Raptors
Delap... Loves... Roosevelt Bouie. Luther and Jeff Green. Haluska corner 3s. AND TWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS.
15. SuperSonics
Savvy GM Timpig has been playing 4D chess so far in 6.0, always thinking 3 moves ahead and cautiously unveiling his grand strategy. Unfortunately for Tim, this is a basketball league and not a chess league, so he's not doing so great. But hey, maybe Kyle Singler is good?
14. Suns
To the team that is happy to shell out two massive contracts two his 2nd and 3rd best bigs, with Bogut hitting FA this offseason, I salute you. If scared money don't make money, the Suns bigs are the opposite of scared money. As Penny goes, so goes this team. If only I hadn't wasted my penny gif earlier!
13. Magic
Are the Magic ready to make the leap to contender status? That all depends on the answer to one simple question...Beas?! Beasley had a killer TC and should be one of the most efficient wings in the league this season. But will he improve enough to bump the Magic up from surprise playoff team to legit contender? I need to see a little more to say for sure.
12. Stags
6-0 start to the sim season? check. Rodney McCray and Darrell Griffith both shooting over .600 FG%? check. JBC and Ibaka tag teaming the low post? check. Juwan Staten may even play himself into a 1.3 from the Nets coming up. The Stags are ready to ride or die with last year's blockbuster deal.
11. Knicks
The Knicks have had a lot of bad energy in the building over the past few years. The chakras are a complete mess and until Mercury gets out of retrograde, they will never achieve spiritual oneness. Thankfully, new rookie point guard Kyrie Irving once watched a video on youtube about astrology and is ready to clear away the demons with the fine aromas of sage. If only Fazekas would stop farting so much.
10. Clippers
The Clippers should never be ranked higher than 7th or lower than 15th, if only because they are perpetually one trade away from blowing it up completely or going all in. The Clips are in a wide-open division and have some good young talent, so of course they're trying to shop their point guard. Can't let anyone get too cozy.
9. Chaps
The Chaps are another year older, and point guard Theodoros Papaloukas has been musing about retiring and starting starting his own dance crew, the Pop-n-lockases. Does that bother Chap in the slightest? *crowd yells no* Can I get a hell yeah? *HELL YEAH*. And that's the bottom line, because Julyan Stone said so.
8. Pacers
The Pacers have been on a journey since drafting Clyde Drexler with the 1st overall pick. But we may be at the part of the journey where they start to look at the surroundings and think, "this isn't where I expected to be". Will he respond by packing it in, or will he trade his shaggy dog van for a scooter and high tail it over to Aspen to reunite with the girl of his dreams? I don't know which of these analogies is which.
7. Cavaliers
Look at this stuff the Cavs got this offseason. Isn't it neat? Why, there's a Stewart Grangerhoffer. That's what humans use to comb their hairs. And over here is a Taurean Greenblatt. You blow into this end and it makes beautiful music. Some may think these items are just trash, but Sap just had to complete the set.
6. Nets
The Nets are in ROOINS after some hardcap issues caused them to shed a Bruce Collins, and their financial haircut won't end there. Unless some major deals get done, they're gonna be in a cap crunch again next offseason and the one after that as well. But hey, at least the cats still look good.
5. Cougars
The Cougs are back and feel very similar to the various Cougs teams of old. The good news is Luke Maye proved he's not cooked after a preseason where he shot sub-.300 from the field. Who's going to be the best wing in the league this year? It's gonna be Maye.
4. Heat
The Heat faithful are buzzing after the addition of Sidney Green, aka Mr. Bucket. Much like your favorite childhood Mr. Bucket, Green knows how to put balls into cylinders. Also like your favorite childhood Mr. Bucket, Green can't help but cough the ball up several times during a game. Will Green be enough to justify me ranking the Heat so high? I sure hope so.
3. Timberwolves
Chris Paul is a point god, this team blocks a ridiculous amount of shots, and James Blackmon led the league in scoring last season. So why does it feel like the Timberwolves can't get over the hump when they make the playoffs? Could CP3 really go 4 MVP seasons in a row without making a finals appearance?
2. Bucks
Antonio Gates looks to have entered the "crafty veteran" phase of his career. The Bucks need not be worried about that. They've got Horford to pick up the offense, Bol to provide the defense, and the Brooks Brothers are finely tailored out on the wings. Gates can go on cruise control this season, but he's going to need to be ready to push this Bucks team once they get to the playoffs.
1. Sixers
The Sixers spent the offseason building the biggest arsenal of weaponry we've seen in 6.0. Sim 1 returns notwithstanding, the Sixers look poised to bring a nuclear bomb to a knife fight this season. Maybe there are too many alphas, and the situation could blow up in their faces if the 1.1s cost them a chance to transition from Carr and Ellis to a new generation of superstars. But for now it's an intimidating roster from top to bottom and the odds-on favorite to win the league this year.
